6 miles of "Let It Be"...

This post is pure sobbery, so if it's not your thing, don't read any further.

Half marathon training is coming along. I did my long run yesterday, and reached a bit over 6 miles. Next Sunday I will run 8. Running is so boring, I'm not sure why there's a tribe of us who love it. Runs are great because you have no choice but to think. I can't make a decision to save my life, so runs are good for me because I can weigh out every decision and over-analyze things until they make sense to me. Plus, I am a busy person and these runs leave me no choice but to think about things I NEVER get a chance to think about. On about mile 2 on Sunday the song "Let It Be" by the Beatles came on my iPod. I didn't even know it was on there. For those of you familiar with that song, it's not a "running" song. I listened to the words over and over, which I know by heart anyway. Of course I started getting emotional because why wouldn't I get emotional in broad daylight with dozens of people walking/running by?

My thoughts were everywhere, but mainly on the things I cannot seem to find answers for. Like my 9 year old godson, who was diagnosed with severe aplastic anemia last week. And how he is sitting in Children's Hospital in Philadelphia serving as a human pin cushion when all he wants to do it ride his quad or be in school with his friends. I was thinking about my best friend in the whole world who would die for him, and sits by his side each day and waits for answers that can't come fast enough, and wonders if her 4 year old will be a bone marrow donor match to cure her brother. I can honestly say that I don't understand God's plan and at times, want to throw up my arms and say "screw it". Then my thoughts went on...I don't understand why God took my beautiful sister in law, Dorothy from us. Why does Kevin have to be without a mother? What did Andy do to deserve to lose his wife? What will my husband's family, who have more faith and trust in God than any family I know, ever do without their first born shining star, who did everything right? Why do they have not just one, but TWO daughters who have suffered? I kept hitting "repeat" on the song. I was able to keep thinking, which was good. I thought about how before my godson's diagnosis, we were afraid it was leukemia. It wasn't. I thought about how when Dorothy was laying in her hospital bed dying with all of us surrounding her crying- and she wasn't. She knew where she was going, and she was worried about us. I'll never forget her saying "pray together and go to church and everything will be alright." I thought about Marguerite, Ray's other sister, who has battled cancer twice and won and has the best attitude about life, living and dying than anyone I know. I thought about my dad having to lose his leg without warning. And how he never stopped to feel sorry for himself because he was too busy getting used to his prosthetic in time to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I could go on and on. Yes, that run was a doozy...

I guess what it made me realize is that sometimes there are no answers. You can ask "why" all you want but in the end you really just need to figure it out for yourself. Sometimes you have to resolve yourself to just not knowing, and being ok with that. Getting angry sure doesn't get us anywhere, except to an early grave. I'm still not sure I have it all figured out but I think I'm a little closer after 6 miles of "Let It Be." I don't even want to know what will happen after 8 miles...

"And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be." Lennon/McCartney